Love is not glamorous

(Look closely)

Have you ever felt like you wanted a fresh start but the people you love won’t let you? Tough right? Sometimes despite our best efforts to keep our eternal child alive, life has a way if pulling back the veil and showing you something different. The amazing thing is that tapping into gratitude can bring it back.

I would not have connected to people had I not experienced intense struggle and loss. I liken my grief to coming back from war. However, during cancer I worked through alot. I am glad I did because it prepared me greatly for her passing. When I returned to my journals documenting the experience and the last moments of her life, I realized so much was about my surrender. It was a surrender not thinking I would lose her, but surrender to her life being out of my control. Letting go of being her “mother” desperately trying to save her life I became her greatest support. I was able to see her light shine as a gift to the world.

Many of my journals reflect so much of my own inner struggles about my daughter’s cancer and less about the actual treatment. I was convinced she was a soul that could decide to stay if we found perfect balance and peace and harmony in our home. Whenever she got sicker or something did not take I felt it was because we did not try hard enough. However, for the trajectory of her life, she was living her course.

During cancer we were a family of the nuts and bolts. We learned to make the best of things and to lean on each other. My job mainly being to create normalcy in our lives and my husband’s job of making sure we had everything covered financially.

Neither role was glamorous. Both of them difficult.

I also had no sympathy for my husband. Intellectually I did. However, the fight and the worry took all the energy from us.

I remember thinking later, after her death he is still here. I am still here. Why? Love. Not duty. Duty is holding up our end of the bargain, but love is the inexplicable thing that keeps you showing up when you want to give up. I also challenge the notion of “support” during a difficult situation. Sometimes staying in the game and remaining present speakes volumes in terms of support. It shouts I am here. I never drank after she died. I stopped at some point in the journey long before because I realized I did not need it. I find that interesting because I was in an intense situation. I knew intuitively alcohol and focus would not mix. Also, nothing would take away the pain. Facing it and using faith and meditation to get through it gave me a strength I never possessed before. “I will not die. I am loved.”

Ever stop to think that all things are truly working for you good? I believe they are. I would say in the simplest form, without the grand declaration of an intention, the universe is for you. The course of your life, my life, and all of our lives is to recieve love.

I went through great tragedy to feel the liberation of love. As I mentioned before, the last year of my daughter’s life I was on a heavy spiritual journey. My sole purpose was to show up for her and love her. I had a great mission of seeing her smile and comfortable. Love has this sacrificial element that I feel is discouraged these days.

I ask again, who shows up for you in your life?

Learn. From. Time.

That was a centrigal theme I discovered while creating this found art peace I created in an hour to get in touch with my soul.

I knew while completing just the small task that I could see more clearly the cycle of life. Possibly, what I struggled with the most deeply. I also had the gentle reminder to never stop believing.

Love endures all things. Hopes all things. Love in the midst of uncertainty is a very radical act.

Who do you love?

Create a collage. Grab some materials. Write on it words that are meaningful and see what you come up with in an hour. Be open. Loving. Don’t judge.

Until then, let’s lift each other up in love.